The Puppy Interview
Guest Writer: Rachel Tohill
This weekend, my family is puppy sitting a sweet rescue pup who is doing all the right things to make us fall in love with her. She is snuggly, playful, gentle, responsive, and a ball of total love. She also happens to be sleeping through the night and hasn’t had one potty accident in the house. We are joking that she is campaigning very hard to suck us in and convince us that our home is the perfect place for her. Deep down, we know that if we adopt her we will probably face all the puppy things – chewing, potty training, leash pulling, quirky adolescent dog behaviors, vet bills, and the list goes on – but none of it seems to matter because she has such a seamless campaign strategy. It made me wonder: what if puppies had formal job interviews?
The Puppy Interview
Interviewer: Hello, Pup E. Dog. It’s nice to meet you today. Can I get you a refreshment before we get started?
Pup: No one has ever asked me that before! Heck yeah! I’ll take a peanut butter-filled Kong if you have it.
Interviewer: Very well. Now let’s get started… What brings you in for this opportunity?
Pup: (licking peanut butter, licking peanut butter, licking peanut butter…)
Interviewer: I noticed as you walked through the waiting area, you passed a smattering of toys, bones, balls, and sticks, but you opted to trot in to my office with one of my $200 running shoes. Can you explain that choice?
Pup (investigating the depths of the Kong before responding…): Can I sit on your lap and let you rub my velvety soft ears? If ears aren’t your thing, can I interest you in a warm, pink belly?
Interviewer (trying not to be distracted by all the softness…): Are you familiar with crate training?
Pup: Oh, yes sir.
Interviewer: Can you tell me more about your knowledge of and experience with crate training?
Pup: (resting his head on Interviewer’s shoulder and nuzzling his muzzle against Interviewer’s neck…) I have seen crates and heard that some dogs sleep in them. I may or may not bark like a maniac for hours on end when someone puts me in one…I can’t remember…Now, while we chat, let’s gaze in to each other’s eyes. Have you noticed that my eyes are like deep pools of warm chocolate love?
Interviewer: Ok, Pup E. Dog, I’m going to need you to step off my lap and “Sit!”.
Pup: Did you say scamper around the room and then jump at your knees?
Interviewer: No. Sit!
Pup: Did you say pull on your pant leg with my teeth and wag my tail so hard my butt wiggles?
Interviewer: No. Sit!
Pup: Got a treat?
Interviewer: I’m not seeing any evidence on your resume of continuing education courses or certifications… Would you be willing to enroll in an obedience class if the company paid for it?
Pup: I am willing to follow you to the ends of the Earth. If that’s where this thing you refer to as “obedience” takes place, let’s go as long as we’re together.
Interviewer: I have one last question for you, Pup E. Dog: if you were to join our team, describe for me your perfect workday.
Pup: Yes sir. If you don’t mind, let me pause to squat and pee pee on your rug…
Now, to answer your question, my perfect workday would include a set eating schedule, and I would never feel hungry again. It would include time with you and all the members of your company, as much as you can give me. It would include a warm bed. It would include a walk through the woods, children to meet, and a tennis ball or a stick if you have those…but don’t go out of your way for me. Most of all, my perfect workday would include the security to know that we are always going to be together and your company has no interest in replacing me or eliminating my position. As I grow into adulthood, I may occasionally go through some things, like I might get nervous around new people sometimes or I might need to release some pent up energy if you have a busy week and can’t take me for as many walks as we would like. So, my perfect day would also include compassion, forgiveness, and patience, which are three things I will be able to give your company in abundance. My perfect workday would be filled with the right balance of work, fun, naps, and love. Thank you for considering me for this position. If you think your workplace will not be my forever home, I will continue to submit my resume at other places of employment. Now, if we don’t get me in my leash and head outside, you’re going to have a pile of poo on your floor within seconds.
Interviewer (scrambling for the leash): Thanks for coming by, Pup. I would like to offer you the position and my commitment that you will have a Lifetime Contract with our company.